I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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