my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW