It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
