its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
