So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
