I am in a vortex of obligation.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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