I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
