How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
