Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my sisters under your porch take her home
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
