I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
