After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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