She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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