Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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