well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I look better un-naked...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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