Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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