he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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