I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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