remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
