Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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