Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This is classic penis vs brain.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
