where does the pee come out of this thing
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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