did you get engaged???
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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