i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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