just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She told me I should be a condom model.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
