just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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