i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
