my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
