My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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