I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
