The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
