I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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