I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
