just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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