Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
