so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I know her cup size but not her name....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
