So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize