Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
