Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
