New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
