i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
