I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
