Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
