The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
