I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
