If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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