a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
