I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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