You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
