Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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