I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
