At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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