i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
