Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
