Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
