Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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