he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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