I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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