This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
