Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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