Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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