dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
