Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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